Euphoric

I have these days where everything in my life seems perfect. It's very euphoric and it gives me a glimmer of hope that things will work out. It just makes me feel like I am where I want to be and all is right. Of course there are a few minor glitches (sometimes major!) but last night as I looked around before going to bed, I could see Lauryn's walker in the kitchen and my clean house (and thanks in large part to Kamryn for that!). As I took in this sight, I just thought 'wow, this is it. this is how it should feel.' I'm happy to have my little family and even more happy when it runs smoothly and we don't miss a beat. Lauryn is getting older and ever more enjoyable with all our family members. Kamryn is getting better and better with her behavior and helping out in many ways that I never could have imagined. Things were just very good yesterday which made me feel like my life is complete. On these days I often think about the future. Kids playing together, interacting in a loving way, enjoying each other, family dinners. You name it, I can't wait for it!!! And now onto today, hmmmmmmmm, I'll just leave this post where it is - on a good note!

Just a Job

I have now thrown myself into the New Zealand work force. Ok, so it's not anything huge but it is my first time working here. I recently enquired about a job at a local scrapbooking store (didn't know it was there until Melissa pointed it out). The owner contacted me and on Monday we met up and then I was given a job. I don't think there were many or any contenders for that matter. However, they were looking for an advanced teacher and after looking at my work he agreed that my scrapbooking was advanced. He seems rather confident that I can teach advanced classes but he hasn't given me much to go on. So it's basically up to me on what I would like to teach. Starting next week, I will be teaching beginning and intermediate classes which should be fun as I love scrapbooking! It's a seriously part time job and will probably only be about 8-10 hours a week but that's enough to help save for our trip to the US that we would like to take next year. And if it doesn't get us there next year then it will for sure in 2007!!!

Lost Photos

For those that don't know, our hard drive was reformatted nearly a week ago now against my wishes. Our computer started to play up and I didn't get around to saving 2 months worth of photos and then Hugh and a mate reformatted the drive. So I was fuming!!!!!! When Hugh told me what had happened he followed it up by saying his mate had an application to retrieve lost info. Well after two days of mucking around, no data was retrieved. So I took it upon myself to have a look online at download.com for a program to retrieve lost photos as that was the most important to me. I found DiskInternals Flash Recovery. After installing that it took a day to come up with 200,000 recoverable pics. Now your hard drive records every photo it's ever seen! So we were getting pics of pointers, buttons, message board tags, etc. It was all in there. So it took another day to sort through all of the photos. In the end we came up with 10,000 that we wanted recovered. Well of course the free trial was only enough to show you that it could get them and you had to actually pay to retrieve them. I didn't care what I had to pay as I could see that my photos were still there and I wanted them. So that is what I did. And then it took us another day to sort through 10,000 photos and many were duplicates. However, I am happy with what I got back and a majority did come back. I can barely remember a few that I am missing. At any rate Hugh is spared going through a divorce over this whole matter! He also recently found another software called PC Inspector File Recovery to get back some of our files. While looking through it we have now recovered some more photos (the ones I knew for sure I was missing but they weren't HUGELY important) but most are corrupt so we will be looking for something to fix them. Overall it has been a success and if you ever have the same problem or a husband that just doesn't listen then I do suggest you use the same programs as you won't be disappointed!!!

Rashes Creams Coughs & Colds - OH MY!

In spite of certain issues we are having at the moment (I will delve deeper in another post once things start sorting themselves out!), both our girls are sick. Lauryn has been to the doctor repeatly for a rash that continues to come back. Five times she has gone and each time he prescribes another damn cream. These creams only get rid of the redness and she is left with raised yucky skin which is the rash without the redness! We have asked for a referral to a dermatalogist but we are told that it's not serious enough. Ok, if going to the doctor 5 times to get rid of a rash that obviously isn't going away to warrant going to see him FIVE times isn't serious enough then what is?????? I don't know. We have a different cream now and if that does not work I am considering taking my 8 month old daughter to a Chinese herbalist for acupuncture.

Kamryn has been sick with what we are assuming is a form of flu. After nearly a week of not being able to kick the congestion, runny nose, coughing and tiredness we started antibodies. She started coming right within a day. I loved it when she was having her afternoon naps though :) So now that she is getting better, Lauryn has gotten her bug. Now our youngest is coughing and has a runny nose. Isn't eating much of anything and is sleeping a great deal. Not to mention having a meningitis vaccination on Monday which undoubtly weakened her system more. So now she is waking nearly every hour coughing but is still remaining a trouper and hasn't been too hard to deal with and still smiles through feeling so awful.

Now knock on wood, neither Hugh or I have gotten this nasty bug. I am hoping it bypasses us and leaves our house. Neither of us can afford to get sick right now. And sorry, Melissa, that you happened to catch the yucky thing while you were here. Ok, so what if that was my intentions lol! Hopefully in a week our house will be free of yucky disgusting little sickly bugs!

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Today Kamryn turned 3! What an age! Now that everyone is in bed and I am left to clean up the mess, I have time to reflect on her whole new age. Why is it that your children have to grow up??? I hate it. I really do. It's very hard for me to grab on to the rationale that they have to grow up and yes you would eventually get tired of them being the same age after a while. However, I always feel like the age isn't long enough. Like years should last 18 months instead of 12 or something like that. It's hard for me to see my oldest child growing up. Especially when I look back at video of her from just two years ago. I get very emotional and wonder where all of that time as gone. How is it she is already 3? She was only 2 last year and where did that whole year go? It's times like these I wish I could be her parent without the whole parenting element lol. Ok, maybe that sounds weird but it would just be nice to actually enjoy her more (without all the rules and guidelines) than to look back with regret over something I have done or regrettable something I should have done. Each year I worry that I have taken the previous year for granted and not used it to the utmost. Does every parent feel this way? Is there a parent out there that goes 'yippee, my daughter is turning 3 this year!'? Cause I do not look forward to Kamryn's birthday. I know Kamryn does and she loves it but I worry her second year has slipped by just like her first and now her third will do the same. And I'm sure it will never slow down. This whole parenting thing is an emotional roller coaster and sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for it. My heart really aches and mostly because I love my daughter with my every being.

Mending Ties

Lately I have started thinking about people I have lost touch with. Some through my own doing and others because it was pratically forced on me. The ones I have purposely lost touch with can stay that way as far as I am concerned unless for some strange reason they seek me out. Which is probably highly unlikely.

After I did a Google phonebook search, I got the courage to ring my old best friends parents. Now I haven't talked to this friend in nearly 11 years and we stopped talking on very bad terms. Once I left my hometown I tried one time to reconnect (this was only about 2 years after I left) but she was still obviously in pain over our friendship and things I had done. So I decided to leave it alone. There was no point in trying to push something that wasn't going to work or would just make things worse. However things happened and ended up we lost touch.

Now I found myself looking at this number for her parents house and wondering if it was such a good idea to call. Afterall, I have grown up and surely she has and things have been put to rest and if not then we could help put them to rest. So I rang (nervous as hell!) and talked to her mom for an hour. After getting my friends number, I rang again nervous as hell! I figured the conversation could go a couple of ways. 1. she would just say she didn't want anything to do with me and to not get in contact with her again and hang up OR 2. she could simply have been standoffish and I would have gotten the clue. Neither was the case. We talked for many hours.....yes it was a total of 6 to be exact! We had many things to catch up on and sort through, which I think we did. It truly was like we hadn't lost touch as I was completely relaxed in talking to her and carrying on a conversation like we still lived close together. The one thing I learned after talking with her was just how badly I had treated her during some of our last years together. And I think upon reflection (which I hope I clearly pointed out to her) the way I treated her had nothing to do with her but a result of things going wrong in my family life or lack there of. Probably the last two years in my hometown were the worst and there was no one on my side nor could many relate.

So hopefully we can move on now and rediscover our friendship in a new light, one that is bright and full of possibilities. Even though I am half a world away, I still think we can get to know one another again. And it sounds like she is keen to stay in touch as well which makes me think there is hope!

Snowplanet

Today Kamryn got to see snow for the first time. Ok, so it wasn't exactly real snow but even so she enjoyed it! Outside of Silverdale there has been an indoor ski slope built called Snowplanet. And next to the actual slope on the snow is a kids play area. So they can sled down the hill or play with blocks on the snow or even have snowball fights. Basically whatever they want to do. I didn't realize just how cold snow was lol. After not seeing the white stuff myself in nearly 5 years, I forgot everything about it. I know that our household does not have any snow gear. I wonder just how many New Zealanders actually have snow gear besides the ones that live in snow areas or who ski regularly??? We didnt have have mittens or gloves for either child. So we had to stop at the Warehouse on the way there lol. Kamryn really enjoyed playing in the snow though. She wasn't so sure about the sledding but did go down 3 times. She tried making a snowman but wasn't hugely successful at it. Even managed to throw a few snowballs! Hugh stayed with her as Lauryn and I watched from the cafe that was at the bottom of the ski hill. Really cool! We will hopefully get the chance to see some real stuff in a couple of years!

Stranger Danger

It's always nice to see my daughter cry when someone that isn't her mommy picks her up or when she can't see me. Ok, maybe that came out wrong. What I mean is it really makes me feel like we have a bond, not that I like seeing her upset. At Plunket the other day, the nurse wanted to check how Lauryn was baring weight on her legs. Lauryn eye-balled her for a good 5 minutes and then she stood her up. Of course with her back to me and in that instance she started to cry. This is huge for me as Kamryn was not like this. Many people could take her and she wouldn't bat an eye. Lauryn is definitely a mommy's girl and it shows. Sometimes Hugh gets the same reaction.

The road to get here has been a long one. Kamryn and I never had this instant bond that Lauryn and I share. It heartens me to even say that as her mother but it's true. I blame much of it on my thyroid disease and it's just a shame I don't get any of that time back. I am a true protector of Lauryn and sometimes maybe too much. Maybe Kamryn picks up on this. Some days I feel as if I have lost a connection with Kamryn. Sometimes I am at a loss as to how to react to her or how to be involved with her. She is at a very funny age and maybe that is why I grab on to Lauryn with so much - for fear of missing out again. I do feel bad that Kamryn is the oldest as she has to go through everything first. Whereas Lauryn will have the road paved. Lately I find myself questioning my parenting skills. I have never questioned them in the past but now I am. Mostly because I do not know how to deal with Kamryn. I am hoping we can get there and I want my connection back. It's important to the both of us.