I Feel Loved

Even though my kids really, really, REALLY get on my nerves sometimes or bother me, I know I am their mommy. Hot off the heels of Hannah's post (The price of Children), I do feel my children are priceless. And each day I *try* to tell myself to enjoy them as much as possible today. I do realize that I am their mommy. No matter what happens in the world, I am their safe place to fall. I am the one they look to for comfort. Even though my kids have routines and rules to follow that doesn't make me any less of their mom nor does it make me a bad mom. My girls at least have some structure.

All of this hit home the other day after I had yelled at Lauryn for pulling things out of the trash. I had a hell day, yes it was one of them! The trash was full (Hugh never thinks to take the trash out, let's just keep piling it in!) and I had the lid off to take it out. I got sidetracked doing the dishes. Next thing I know Lauryn is pull something out of the trash. I tell her no and she moves her hand. As soon as I turn around she pulls it out again. So I go over to her and grab her little arm and say 'no'. She gets upset and starts screaming (by the way she is screaming you would have thought I beat her blue lol and it doesn't help that she soooooooo does not like being told off!). I go back to doing dishes letting her scream thinking she will finally go away and go in the other room. ***And folks this is where my hearts breaks*** As I'm doing the dishes, I feel this pull at my leg and look down and there she is standing at my feet trying to wedge herself between me and the cabinets. I look at her (in that look of 'what now?')and she is crying (real tears too) and she is standing there with her arms up for me to pick her up. And that is when it hit me. Why is it that even though I am the one that is mean to her, she will seek me out to comfort her??? That's where I know I am not a bad mom. If I was then she wouldn't have even bothered coming back to me as she does have her comfort things. But she wanted me and needed me to comfort her even though she knew I was upset with her. And that's priceless.

Kamryn often says to me 'mommy, aren't you happy?' this is usually what she asks when I am upset or yelling or crying lol. I never know how to answer. We can't always be happy with our day/life and so it comes out in other forms when we aren't 'happy'. I think every time I'm not 'happy' she thinks it's because of her or wants to know if it's because of her. Or she will come and give me a hug and say she needs a kiss. One night after getting off the phone with Hugh (he was WAY late getting home and I was worried and couldn't reach him), I just burst. She gets out of bed cause she hears me and comes over to me and says 'mommy, it's ok, is daddy being mad at you?' Then she gives me hugs and says 'it's ok, baby'. And again this is where I know I have to be doing something right and yes these moments are the priceless ones. I am their mommy forever and while I may not be as important when they are older, I am their world right now.