Friday, January 19, 2007

Struggling

I'm struggling with my two girls lately. And every free moment I get, I want to spend it in another room away from them. I take many things for granted with them. The fact that they play well together. The fact that they can contently watch TV without a peep. The fact that if I say 'I'm busy' they walk away. The days Hugh is home, I don't get much me time because we are generally doing things as a family. So when he is back at work, I yearn for being alone or by myself. I'm finding it hard to take the time to enjoy and be with them. I'm finding it hard to do things with them or take part in what they are doing. But there are many things they do that make me love them so much more.

*Yesterday after I got them ready for daycare, Kamryn and I were in the bathroom and Lauryn came in and gave Kamryn a big hug. No reason, just because.
*Yesterday after daycare I was told that Kamryn really looks after Lauryn while they are there. Making sure she has her sunhat on and is ok the whole time.
*They played with their wooden puzzles today and when they put them away Kamryn came up to me and said 'we put them away together, mommy......we did it together'. Making sure she stressed that it was done in a team effort.
*Lauryn often asks me to hold her hand so she can show me something. Today while my hand was firmly placed on the computer mouse, she was trying to lift it herself so I would move.
*Kamryn hurt herself today and Lauryn crotches down to look at her and says 'are you ok, Pookie? It's ok.'
*Putting Lauryn to bed these days means she wants to 'sleep with cow'. This is the rather large cow mom bought her. She picks which end of the bed she wants to sleep at and then throws everything out of the way. She makes sure cow is laying down and lays next to him. I have to cover him up, kiss him and give him a drink of water. And she goes to sleep without a fight. Perfect!
*And I'm still their soft place to fall even if mommy isn't being very soft. One of our cats placed it's paws on either side of Kamryn's head (I'm not sure what Kamryn was doing) and immediately as the cat struck she ran to me crying. It was a pain cry and there were scrathes.

I'm not a patient person. I'm not an over-loving person. I can do touchy feely but usually when someone comes to me for it and even with kids it can get overwhelming at times. I love my kids immensely and hope they know it. Sometimes I wonder. I heard tonight that what happens to a child before the age of 5 really shapes them for when they are older. I can see that in me with certain things. And I just hope I am doing what is best for them and that they are ok. It's all a balancing act, I know. But I don't want them to ever think they weren't wanted or loved. And lately I feel that they could use a better mother :(

5 Comments:

Anonymous u.s.mom said...

There are many times in our parenting lives that we often question ourselves as to if we are doing the right thing. The only time the result will show is throught your children. You may think that you are not doing enough or at times fell you are smothering them but, the end result will give you the feeling of accomplishment. Your children will let you know if you did the right thing. No one knows better than me. Just remember that second guessing yourself will only will only cause you to do that the rest of you life. There will be times when you will wonder if you did enough, could have done something different or didn't do enough but, whatever you did at that moment when they needed you, was enough for them and that was all tey needed. You are a great mother and your girls love you emincely and they know you love them without question. Even the times they are in trouble. Remember Christi, as your girls get older they will rely on you less and less, so enjoy these trying times because they will bring warmth to your heart in the days when your girls have familys of their oun and will carry over into the days when you want to recall them to your grand children and express all the love that filled your heart when they were young.
I always wished I would have done more. The guilt never goes away!!

5:49 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

You never told me you were feeling this way, Christi! But you are a good mommy and your girls know that you love them. I can tell!! They are such great kids, you've done a fantastic job with them! I firmly believe the fact that you care and are worried about this PROVES that you are a great mom. If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't even notice or care or want to be better. If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't get those twinges and doubts when you read or see something on TV about parenting, wondering if you're "doing it right". If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't be able to write a list of the wonderful things about your girls and the love they have for you and for each other. If you weren't a good mom, you wouldn't notice any of that stuff, and you would selfishly steal all the "me time" that you desire without feeling guilty. As it stands, you have a NEED for time on your own. That's understandable ... we all need that. But even though you sneak some of that on the days you are home with the girls, you are aware of their needs as well. You try to get the balance and I think you do a great job of it.
The previous poster said that time will tell and your children will let you know if you are doing a good job. I'm sure your girls would be letting you know in various ways if they were not feeling enough love & attention from you. It would be evident at other places (like daycare) and around other people. But whenever I'm with you guys, all I see is really close bonds between all of you, and close & loving mommy/daugther relationships. Kamryn & Lauryn wouldn't show such love to each other if they didn't see it demonstrated somewhere else ... and they see it in you. You say you're not an overly loving or touchy-feeling person. I disagree!! As your close friend, I feel that you are. You are generous, kind, understanding and loving. All things that your girls have inherited from you, and traits that continue to grow in both of their little hearts.
You are doing a WONDERFUL job!!! ((HUGS))

9:10 AM  
Blogger Christi said...

Thanks for the kind words, you guys. I know we always question ourselves that what we are doing is enough. Just lately I don't feel I am doing enough. Or I could be doing more. I don't know. Maybe the lack of drama around here is making me over think. And will this get better when Hugh is working his new job? I don't know. Because then I will need my alone time. And the closer Kamryn gets to starting school the more I freak out. A WHOLE DAY AWAY FROM ME! And in that day she won't be coming to me for care or attention, she'll be rely on her teacher for it. Forget all the hugs and kisses throughout that day and the 'I love you's cause she won't be here to give them.

Hannah - thanks for your perspective. I feel happy with what you said because you do see us together and would probably be able to have a better take on things. All of what you said is true and it helps hearing it at times. I'm just probably having a more internal battle at the moment. Nothing outwardly. And then I read blogs on what other parents are noticing about their kids and I feel I am not 'noticing' them or I'm taking it for granted and then can't recall these things later. And I'm not sure if me holding your hand on the beach constitutes being touchy feely ;)

10:22 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Oh, Christi, I could have replaced my name with yours and put 2 boys in the place of 2 girls, that's exactly how am I feeling at the mo.

For me the unsettling of the holidays and the lack of routine that has been, has been a big factor, and I hope now that hubby has gone back to work, it will settle.

I just yelled at my 6 year old, and now feel terrible. I know why I yelled, and it's not really his fault, he just happened to be there at the wrong time.

It's so very, very hard being a parent, harder than I ever imagined, the emotional side is so topsy turvy, and that's coming from someone who considers that being a mum was what she was destined to do!

I don't know you at all, and don't know what else to say, but from what Hannah said, I think maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself. You have to very gorgeous girls, and like Hannah also said,(she must be very wise that friend of yours) they are showing affection, so they must be getting it from somewhere.

Take it easy, put on a video for them, it's not the worst thing you can do, and don't listen to other mums.

Hope things get better
Angela

7:47 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Hi Christi
Just popped on to your blog for the first time - and man I'm pleased I did! Like another poster said, replacve my boys with your girls and use my name instead! Maybe it's the holidays or whatever. I know I yell a lot, and am impatient at times - but love the boys dearly. They just drive me bonkers!! All I can put it down to is that we see so much of each other - I think mummy's need their space. Dad gets a break from work, but we still cook, clean do the usual.... wouldn't it be great to have 4 weeks annual leave?!
At teh end of the day - they have their own mind and although at times I wish they didn't -most of the time the fact tehy do makes you smile. I did say "most"!
Don't be so hard on yourself - I'm sure almost every mum out there feels like this at one point or another. Hope things get better.

9:35 PM  

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