Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Oh Wow!

So once again I had my heart break in a thousand pieces today. When you are a mother, this seems to happy probably more frequently than you like. But last week I decided on spur of the moment that I was going to put Lauryn in daycare this week.

Here's a bit of side info that is kinda pertinent to the situation:
Kamryn started kindy on the 17th of July. She goes on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. We were keeping Kamryn still in daycare one day a week (full day on Friday) until she was adjusted to kindy. We just wanted something to still be familiar without dropping her in the deep end. Last week I went to drop Kamryn off and noticed there was maybe 10 kids. They can have up to 20. Now this particular daycare has kids from newborn to 4 (generally) all in one area. Which is fine with me and I think it has helped Kamryn learn to react and play well with kids of all ages. But when I walked in last week to drop her off I noticed that there was only one girl around her age and she is 3. So not even real closely in age. That sealed it for me. I didn't see any more reason to leave her there. She jumped right in with kindy and hasn't looked back so it was time for daycare to come to a halt. But instead of just taking Kamryn out, I wanted to put Lauryn in but two mornings a week. After looking at the schedule they said it was fine and she started today. Now that everyone is caught up lol I'll get on with today!

I have thought about Lauryn attending daycare. Sure Hugh and I have gone over it again and again and again but I don't think I ever really thought it would happen. So once everything was confirmed, I just left it. I didn't overthink it, I didn't get upset, I didn't contemplate withdrawing her. Then the day came, today. MAN! I rushed around getting everyone ready this morning and out the door. I showed up at daycare and left Kamryn in the car and got out Lauryn. Once inside two staff members greeted us reassuring me that she would be fine. I didn't think she would be but was struggling to let go myself. As I stood there I could feel Lauryn shying into me. As I was confirming my mobile number with them, Cheryl took her too to do an activity. No screaming or crying. As I go to leave, I give her a hug, kiss and say goodbye and still no reaction. As I am leaving I just start crying. Ange says 'she'll be fine, Christi'. I know this but it doesn't stop my heart breaking in a million pieces.

When I get to the car, I just let it loose. Kamryn says 'why are you crying, mommy? cause you will miss Lauryn?' And I said 'yes, I will miss Lauryn'. Then she said 'but she will have fun, mommy!'. This coming from the wee girl who has been to the same place so I knew Kamryn was right but it still hurt. I know this is something that will help her to grow as a child. She doesn't have much interaction with kids her age nor other adults. It's just us. And being the outgoing child she is, I figured she would jump in. I think my problem is that she is our youngest, my baby. She's no longer under my wing as such and is now going to be influenced by a great number of people not just her mommy. When I went to pick her up, they were outside playing. She isn't used to some of the equipment there so I stood and watched without her knowing I was there. She climbed around with ease and made little cheerful noises as she did so. Man, I bawled again!!!! This time seeing her in a new light. Seeing her as Lauryn, the little confident girl that is ok without mommy and can have fun all her own without her big sister. She is growing up. No matter how much I want her to stay my baby, I know she can't. And that hurts. As I walked through the gate, she didn't see me. When she did she came over to me and gave me a hug and kiss and I said 'did you have fun?' and she said 'have fun' and then wanted down.

This is hard. What an emotional rollercoaster. I was reassured she was fine and there weren't any worries. She happily played and chatted away. Never cried or whinged. And cow and blanket sat peacefully on a foam chair inside where she put them. And as I picked her up to go, she threw a fit and arched her back not wanting to go. So obviously she likes it ;)


Blogger Michelle said...

You shouldn't be too sad, it just means you've done an excellent job of making her feel confident.

I wonder though if I'm just not as big hearted mom as you as when Madelynn went to preschool for the 1st time I just couldn't wait to get home to get a break from her. LOL

8:29 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

It sounds like she settled so well!! I do understand how it feels though, I really do!! My heart is breaking now because I am miles and miles away from my babies and won't see them for another 9 days!!
Having said that, you should be so pleased that Lauryn settled in well and didn't get too upset. If she had been crying and not wanting you to leave, that would have been hard.

She's growing up!! They all are, and I know that is a double-edged sword isn't it? But just be proud of the great job you've done so far and will continue to do, alongside the influences she will get from daycare. At the end of the day, YOU are still number one and you always will be :-)

1:16 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...


It's hard when the baby grows up and doesn't need you much anymore isn't it? But she still needs you....she just needs you to let her find herself. I've felt the same way twice now :)

6:40 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I'm with everyone else on this one, Christi. Our job, on this earth as parents, is to work hard to guide our children so that they turn into well-adjusted adults. If they do, our job is done ; ) A small stepping stone to that is Lauryn, and Kamryn, being so settled, happy and confident in themselves - and you should be proud of that : ) Sorry about the lack of blogging or posting. As you know I'm overwhelmed and not the best at the moment. Rock on September 17th!

8:32 AM  
Blogger Megan M said...

I'm with you on this one Christi, when Paige started preschool I felt terrible even though Millie had been going to pre-school for ages, tears for 2 days and now I've got Max to get through starting there eventually!!

9:37 PM  

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